bled

Somewhere out there there's a thrill I swear.
Desperate as I am I just can't strip bare &
bleed the only purity I've known.

But I lay with reason.
Found logic conceived in a walk with skin.
I sleep with reason producing these monsters.

Life is lowly anonymity,
in death a noble pose,
a Marat David.
Tell me, who wouldn't give
their lives for such a soap box
to die behind.

Life is lowly, lowly anonymity.

In the space of a smile,
I found sleep.
As in sorrow,
so shall ye reap,
as in reason so shall ye sleep.

Reap the promised end to the struggle.
Reap every point on our linear path.
Reap the smiles in time we borrow,
every harvest relies on the last.

But I witnessed in all this silence
one souls definition of beauty.
& a backlit smile so temporary.
A facade so rich with evil history.
Cast in direct opposition set to o
verwhelm this moment to shine and sleep-
came out on top of what was borrowed,
& found all that beauty to be still.

Every breath as in sorrow,
reap the promised end to this path,
by every image that we borrow,
every harvest depends on the past.

I know its all been done before,
I want to do it again.
I want do it again.
Kill the switch.
This night our journey's through the dark.
Kill the switch,
a welcome comatose,
tonight we journey through the darkness.

As in sorrow,
so shall ye weep,
as in reason,
so shall ye sleep.

behold the birth of violence

A princess ravaged by her prince behold;

the birth of sex & distance,

two frail corpses both were they,

his eyes were the first to stray...

Come & fill your lungs.

There's so much hope buried underneath tragedy,

its the same shade as concrete.

The faithful say its beautiful,

Let the flood swell.

let's just face it..

i've got more wit, a better kiss,
a hotter touch, a better fuck
than any girl you'll ever meet,
sweetie you had me.

your birth is a mistake you'll spend your entire life trying to correct.

Life and death, energy and peace.
If I stop today it was still worth it.
Even the terrible mistakes that I made
and would have unmade if I could.
The pains that have burned me and
scarred my soul, it was worth it,
for having been allowed to walk
where I've walked, which was to hell
on earth, heaven on earth,
back again,
into,
under,
far in between,
through it,
in it,
and above.














it was worth it.

get your finger off my trigger.

it's in the fumbled reply that barely escapes your lips.. you breathe an excuse but won't bring your eyes to meet their eyes. you can't handle this face to face. cold shock catches in your throat as the words hit you like a blow to the chest. twisted nerves barely conceal your bleeding core.

and here i thought happy endings only came in storybooks.

everything comes to an end.

and when i meet mine,

i'll take it with a smile.

some some some i murder... some some i let go

to whatever idiotic wastes of space that think they know me and have the right to judge me, you can get fucked. you have no idea what a waste the last few years of my life have been and the lies i've had to just let go because nothing will ever be resolved or accounted for because the person involved is too self-centered and immature. but i accepted that a while ago and could really give a shit.

with every fiber of my being i wish none of this had ever happened, and hadn't even met anyone involved. but i know that's a joke so i'm just taking the life experience from it. no one is perfect. no matter how much you love someone, it can end up being a big fucking joke and there's nothing you can do about it. i didn't believe it when i read it in a book, but it can be true that the one you love and the one who loves you are never ever the same person.

i'm just glad i got the hell out of that while i could and haven't looked back. i miss nothing from before. i feel like an idiot for wasting my life but i've learned a lot and won't ever make the same mistakes again. my trust is shot and it's for the best. no one deserves something that they've never earned.

so when you call me a slut, or a liar.. or whatever the hell you wastes of space are saying now.. know that i really don't give a shit. for one, look at yourself. it's really laughable considering some of the people who are saying these things. most of you talking shit are the ones whoring around and being more immature than the 19 year old over here.. so kudos on that one, lovelies.

secondly, you're buying into the same bullshit lies that i was fed for well over a year.. good one. while it'll be hilarious when you finally catch on {that is, if you ever do.. i do doubt that some of you possess the mental capacity} i don't feel bad for anyone else who gets hurt. if i had to learn the hard way, so should everyone else.

and finally.. if you have something to say you can own up and say it to my fucking face like a big boy/girl. don't text my phone like a punk bitch, don't put something clever on facebook like a witless douche. act your fucking age and say it to my face. you moronic cowards make me sick.

and as for the only person really involved in all of this.. while i never use the word hate, if i knew the emotion it'd be reserved for you. you wasted my time, my life, my emotions and so much more. i don't think you ever spoke a word of truth the entire time i knew you. all you are is a carbon copy of the people around you. while you lack the self confidence to be your own person, you try to become the people around you.

it's almost sad, but more pathetic. you are one of the most unattractive people to me now, both inside and out. and despite the fact that you think you're so big and and bad.. even intellectual.. you don't even have the balls to own up to anything. not a damn thing. well you know the truth. and i know the truth. i also know that karma's a bitch, and in the end you'll get yours.

while i can't in all good conscience wish it upon anyone, if i woke up tomorrow and heard the news that you were gone, really literally gone.. wiped out.. deceased.. no more.. all i think i could do is smile. no tears, no remorse, no silent prayers.

burn, baby, burn.

the future is just wasted on some people.

pain tears instinctively through your body from the cold barrel of a gun pressed against your temple. clenched in the hands of someone you once loved is the instrument of your destruction.. the irony life offers us is too much to just pass up sometimes.

when the trigger's pulled and the bullet rockets out of the chamber, noisily shattering those wasted years of your life into a million splinters of bone, pale gray brain matter and a truly tarantino worthy blood fest.. was it worth it, do you think? no way of asking now.. so sure. why the hell not?

i don't care what they tell you kids on tv and in your movies.. but no matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll still end up stepping back when the pool of their blood edges up too close.

in the end it's a lot better than they deserve.

tonight death smiles and love laughs last.

on my own two feet

so i'm finally out. well for about three days now but i'm still pretty stoked on it. the concept of doing whatever i want whenever i want is so foreign to me.. but i'm getting used to it quick. it's been a long time coming. and surprisingly enough, it's even better than i'd expected it to be. maybe that teaches me a little something about expectations. who knows. i'm at the house on heather's computer being a debbie downer over here while there's mischief to be had.. how shameful. i'll make sarah happy and now adapt my famous persona, helena hangover.

protein shakes here i come.

for the sake of sanity..

i think i'll go to work tomorrow. i feel like total shit but i'm losing my mind being couped up in this house. i need more boxes, i think. i have too much stuff. it's ridiculous. i have a key to heather's now.. well me, faith & heather's.. it's so strange that this is really happening. i'm really leaving. i'm hoping it'll help me change - start a new chapter and with a little luck, grow. i'll have to take it easy, though.. not having any rules could be a disaster for me. i don't have any concept of moderation. hopefully that speaks for itself, because i don't really want to go any further in depth with it. my optimism hasn't worn off yet. i think it'll all be good for me. an opportunity to really grow up.

imagine that - grow up. such a foreign concept to some of us.

medicated.

& let me tell you, it'd better work. i felt awful this morning.. i looked in the mirror and i looked like john mccain and rosie o'donnell's love child. absolutely dreadful. but i saw the doctor today and got some medication that should work everything out.. hopefully the swelling will go down soon. i'm far too vain to be subjected to this.

in other news, this is our last few days with julia. :[ i'll miss her. it's been a lot of fun having her here, even though i've had to work a lot of the time. she's a cool girl. i'll be moving out all my stuff when she leaves.. so far i have 4 huge boxes moved out of strictly dvds and books. in other words, i have the feeling i'm going to be needing more boxes. lots more. i'm amazingly excited about the move, though. it's finally here.. after all months of talking about getting out of the house. it's not what i'd originally thought i'd be doing.. but then again when do things ever work out how you plan them to? oh well though. i'm happy with how things are going so far. and as far as i'm concerned, they'll only get better.

i may have a girl crush on marla singer but i do have a smidge of optimism. at this point, i'd be crazy not to.

have you ever heard a death rattle?

i keep drinking this dreadful lemon tea for my throat that burns but helps for about an hour.. but now my lymph nodes are being a bitch. it's like permanent lock jaw.. without the unseemly implications. if it wasn't for a certain someone cheering me up today i would have been pretty miserable.. so thanks for that, love. <3 i still think i need to be heavily medicated to shake this cold or whatever it is that i have.. but oh well. i'll settle for the tea for now.

just ask alice.

i've come to the decision that if i don't have an outlet that i just might lose my mind. so here we are, tada. and of course now that i've made this damned thing, i don't have the slightest clue what to put in it. but oh well, that's just how it goes, isn't it?

the past month has been totally insane. i've had extreme highs and lows that in the past would have merited a total emotional breakdown.. but somehow through it all i've come out okay. i'm still pretty confused about some things, but there you go. it's to be expected. what i do know is that right now i have a shot at being happy. i also know i'm not willing to ruin that by asking myself "what if?" this is a fresh start and i just need to take it for what it is.

come what may.