some some some i murder... some some i let go

to whatever idiotic wastes of space that think they know me and have the right to judge me, you can get fucked. you have no idea what a waste the last few years of my life have been and the lies i've had to just let go because nothing will ever be resolved or accounted for because the person involved is too self-centered and immature. but i accepted that a while ago and could really give a shit.

with every fiber of my being i wish none of this had ever happened, and hadn't even met anyone involved. but i know that's a joke so i'm just taking the life experience from it. no one is perfect. no matter how much you love someone, it can end up being a big fucking joke and there's nothing you can do about it. i didn't believe it when i read it in a book, but it can be true that the one you love and the one who loves you are never ever the same person.

i'm just glad i got the hell out of that while i could and haven't looked back. i miss nothing from before. i feel like an idiot for wasting my life but i've learned a lot and won't ever make the same mistakes again. my trust is shot and it's for the best. no one deserves something that they've never earned.

so when you call me a slut, or a liar.. or whatever the hell you wastes of space are saying now.. know that i really don't give a shit. for one, look at yourself. it's really laughable considering some of the people who are saying these things. most of you talking shit are the ones whoring around and being more immature than the 19 year old over here.. so kudos on that one, lovelies.

secondly, you're buying into the same bullshit lies that i was fed for well over a year.. good one. while it'll be hilarious when you finally catch on {that is, if you ever do.. i do doubt that some of you possess the mental capacity} i don't feel bad for anyone else who gets hurt. if i had to learn the hard way, so should everyone else.

and finally.. if you have something to say you can own up and say it to my fucking face like a big boy/girl. don't text my phone like a punk bitch, don't put something clever on facebook like a witless douche. act your fucking age and say it to my face. you moronic cowards make me sick.

and as for the only person really involved in all of this.. while i never use the word hate, if i knew the emotion it'd be reserved for you. you wasted my time, my life, my emotions and so much more. i don't think you ever spoke a word of truth the entire time i knew you. all you are is a carbon copy of the people around you. while you lack the self confidence to be your own person, you try to become the people around you.

it's almost sad, but more pathetic. you are one of the most unattractive people to me now, both inside and out. and despite the fact that you think you're so big and and bad.. even intellectual.. you don't even have the balls to own up to anything. not a damn thing. well you know the truth. and i know the truth. i also know that karma's a bitch, and in the end you'll get yours.

while i can't in all good conscience wish it upon anyone, if i woke up tomorrow and heard the news that you were gone, really literally gone.. wiped out.. deceased.. no more.. all i think i could do is smile. no tears, no remorse, no silent prayers.

burn, baby, burn.

the future is just wasted on some people.

pain tears instinctively through your body from the cold barrel of a gun pressed against your temple. clenched in the hands of someone you once loved is the instrument of your destruction.. the irony life offers us is too much to just pass up sometimes.

when the trigger's pulled and the bullet rockets out of the chamber, noisily shattering those wasted years of your life into a million splinters of bone, pale gray brain matter and a truly tarantino worthy blood fest.. was it worth it, do you think? no way of asking now.. so sure. why the hell not?

i don't care what they tell you kids on tv and in your movies.. but no matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll still end up stepping back when the pool of their blood edges up too close.

in the end it's a lot better than they deserve.

tonight death smiles and love laughs last.

on my own two feet

so i'm finally out. well for about three days now but i'm still pretty stoked on it. the concept of doing whatever i want whenever i want is so foreign to me.. but i'm getting used to it quick. it's been a long time coming. and surprisingly enough, it's even better than i'd expected it to be. maybe that teaches me a little something about expectations. who knows. i'm at the house on heather's computer being a debbie downer over here while there's mischief to be had.. how shameful. i'll make sarah happy and now adapt my famous persona, helena hangover.

protein shakes here i come.

for the sake of sanity..

i think i'll go to work tomorrow. i feel like total shit but i'm losing my mind being couped up in this house. i need more boxes, i think. i have too much stuff. it's ridiculous. i have a key to heather's now.. well me, faith & heather's.. it's so strange that this is really happening. i'm really leaving. i'm hoping it'll help me change - start a new chapter and with a little luck, grow. i'll have to take it easy, though.. not having any rules could be a disaster for me. i don't have any concept of moderation. hopefully that speaks for itself, because i don't really want to go any further in depth with it. my optimism hasn't worn off yet. i think it'll all be good for me. an opportunity to really grow up.

imagine that - grow up. such a foreign concept to some of us.